hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I have feelings that need drinking.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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