I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
