yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
