T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
