I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
