You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
