No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
