Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
