I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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