Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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