Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
