I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
