I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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