tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
