That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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