is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
