I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize