I can text with my tongue
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Just puked most of my soul out..
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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