you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Randomize