opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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