either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
well you can't waste a boner
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize