I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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