Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
