John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
