What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize