New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
