I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
