What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
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