I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize