please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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