It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
