Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
