I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
