How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
