Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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