my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
