that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
