Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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