i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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