Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
