THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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