Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
