a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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