nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
