Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
