I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
