Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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