I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
