Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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