I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
