I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
