I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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