When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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