I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Randomize
