I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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