Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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