I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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