I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
